"Son, you were adopted......" | Laughter Time | EP-10

– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
– Really? I have the exact opposite.
– Wow, seriously?
– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

  


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I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

  


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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

  


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Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”
Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.



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An old lady comes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?
“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”
“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausting!”
  


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 “Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.
“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”
  


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Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.
After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
Why do monkeys carry their babies on their backs?
It would be a bit hard dragging a buggy all the way up the trees…
  


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A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!”
She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?”
Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”
  


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The guy who gives out food at the prison canteen asks: “Eat here or take away?”
The prisoner frowns: “Not funny, Marlon! Not funny at all!!”

  


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Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”
  


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Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”
  


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Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”
The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”
In a shoe shop:
  


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These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
Don’t worry. I’ll start wearing them on the third week.
  


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Wife: “It’s our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?”
Husband: “With a minute of silence.”
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”



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Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"

  


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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”
  


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At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”
“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

  


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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

  


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Q: What is it: “Three in the office but only one works.”
A: Two state clerks and a running ventilator.



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What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.


Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
Insanitea

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